Sunday, February 7, 2010

A Picture of a Cat Won't Purr

A picture may be worth a thousand words, but it's a poor substitute for experience. A travel epic is not the next best thing to being there.

Several years ago, I was invited to take part in a survey. I would be paid $100 for participating. All I had to do was answer these few simple questions in an online quiz to see if I were eligible. Like a sucker, I bit.

A phonecall came the next day. The person left a message telling me I was in, and to call them at this number first to verify my interest, and to let me know the time and place.

Even after verifying, I still wasn't sure if this was on the level. I kept expecting to be asked for my credit card info at any moment. But true to form, I decided that the best way to find if you're walking into a trap is to try to spring it.

Unfortunately, it was legit.

I was asked to sit in the waiting room with a few other people, and we helped ourselves to the plate of wraps and cans of pop that had been provided. When the time came for the survey, we were sat in assigned seats and given a sheet of looseleaf and a pen.

The survey was sponsored by an unnamed group involved in domestic tourism. We were called together at this particular time because we all fit a specific demographic: the Virtual Tourist.

According to our survey results, we were fond of learning about other cities and countries, reading up on famous places and landmarks, even reading about other cultures, but less inclined to go out and experience them in person.

Guilty as charged.

After a while, we all got the sense that the sponsor was interested in how they could entice us homebodies into travelling.

Fair ball, I thought. I'd rather they ask me outright rather than mining my personal data and monitoring my activities.

I made my thoughts known in the most constructive manner I could. Everyone did. By the time the survey was over and the hundred bucks collected, my interest in travelling was rekindled.

--

Fast forward a couple of years to July, 2008. I've just returned from a business trip to Edmonton with the boss. No sooner do I return to work, when there's an email in my inbox. It was from one of the outside salesmen at head office, giving me my itinerary and confirmation details for my flight to Mexico in January. It seems I'd been invited to attend the company's biannual sales meeting.

Mexico was a blast. Two hours of meetings, and four days of sunshine, sand, surf, Sol beer, and Tequila. Going through my DVD's worth of holiday snaps this morning brought it all back in living colour... the hot sand, the cool surf, the annoying American retiree who thought he could make himself more readily understood by speaking louder and slower, the taste of the beer, I could even feel the terrible sunburn I suffered.

Before we arrived at the resort, the boss and a few others advised that, if I wanted continual good service, to carry a stack of American dollar bills for tips, giving one to the waiter after every second or third drink. Leave it to me to inadvertently find a way around that...

On our outing into town, I decided I had to have an authentic Mexican soccer jersey. I managed to find a little shop that carried jerseys, and a Barcelona jersey caught my eye. Not Mexican, but what the heck.

#10, Lionel Messi. One of my all-time favourite players.

Right next to it was an Atlas Guadalajara jersey, which I liked and thus purchased.

I wore the Atlas jersey to the hotel's lounge after dinner. The boss pointed out that the staff were staring and pointing at me, smiling. When it came time for refills, I slipped the waiter a greenback.

He refused.

"Oh, no thank you, amigo!" he said, "It is our pleasure!"

Turns out, Atlas were the favourite team. Who knew?

--

That was a year ago. I remember it as though it happened last week. Going through my pictures brought it all flooding back. In this respect, a picture really is worth a thousand words.

But if I were to look at these pictures without context, without having experienced them, they would be worthless. The pictures worth a thousand hollow words.

So, put away your books and turn off your computer.

Get out there and experience different places. Get out there and experience life.

A picture of a cat won't purr. A picture of the surf won't get you wet.

Friday, January 29, 2010

What's Old is New Again!

Well, OK... it's still old. Eight years to be precise.

The first stage of The Resurrection is complete. My original Anti-Webpage is back online in a minimal capacity.

Click here for details.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Vintage CJ: Is there a Doctor in the House? (11/25/2005)

Found this one a while ago, reprinted here (again) for an old friend who just re-discovered me.




Is There a Doctor in the House?

Originally published on update #106, 11/25/2005, reprinted by special request

So, I've added another alias to my repertoire. In addition to Conceited Jerk, Kotatsuneko (which rarely gets used anymore), Dezorian (on certain mailing lists and newsgroups), Pope Antiquitus I (my Discordian name), and Royal Bastard, I am also known as Dr. Turnip Q. Moron on ********** Groups (the "Q" stands for Quinine, the ingredient that gives tonic water that awful taste!).

The good Doctor first came into being one cold February morning a couple of years ago. I was registering an operating system (Solaris 7) online, and I didn't feel like using my real name (although for some unfathomable reason, I used my actual address). So, I used "Turnip" for the first name, "Q" for the middle initial, "Moron" for surname, and "Dr." for salutation (I'd originally intended to put "Ms.", but the mouse slipped). So I hit "send" and my newly formed identity's personal information was sent to the manufacturer.

A couple of months later, I received a letter in the mail. It was an application for a credit card, addressed to Dr. Turnip Q. Moron"... It started out with "Dear Dr. Moron," and frequently called my alter ego by first name.

"Turnip, you won't find lower interest rates on any other card..."

The introductory letter was a right hoot to read! I was in tears for hours from laughing so hard! It was pretty obvious that the letter had been completely computer generated, and it's likely no human checked the thing... print, process, put into envelope, send. No humans required, the perfect model of industrial-commercial efficiency.

I blame the human element, however, for the doc not receiving any telemarketing calls. Someone has to check those lists! Although if he did receive a call or two, I imagine I'd handle them with my usual lack of decorum, and an impenetrable, indeterminately foreign false accent:

Doc: 'Allo?

Operator: Good evening, how are we doing this evening?

Doc: I am fine.

Operator: Good. My name is Janet, and I'm with Meiwaku Research Associates. Am I speaking to Turnip Q. Moron?

Doc: (angrily) Whaaa? Moron?!! Ees pronounze MORONE!!! How dare you!

Operator: (mortified) Uh... oh... my goodn- errr... I'm terribly sorr--

Doc: (yelling into earpiece) I don' wan' to hear eet! (slams phone down)


Oh, the fun I could have...

Incidentally, meiwaku means annoyance in Japanese, which, as I'm sure most people would agree, suits telemarketers to a tee. I swear, these people come from the same rung of Hell as salespeople, prop comedians, labour unions, communists, and drunks on the bus.

That's why I love Caller ID and voice mail ;)

CJ
11/25/2005

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Il Ritorno del Bastardo

It's the Second Coming.

As some of my Facebook "friends" know, the return of my old website is nigh.

Tripod and I have "kissed and made up"... I've re-registered my old domain name and left hosting duties to them for the time being.

The reason for this is simple: I've had a number of works that have been in the "planning stage" for far too long (some for years), and it's time they were unleashed upon an unsuspecting public.

"So, why don't I post everything here?", you might ask.

Because I want complete control over the look, feel, content, and architecture of my site, that's why. I want everything concatenated and amalgamated on one site, not spread out over YouTube, Flickr, Blogger, iTunes, etc... "Your One-Stop Sociopathy Shop".

Of course, having a full-time job and active social calendar means the transition will take just over a year. I'm doing everything by hand (html, CSS, etc) and not using someone's bullshit "content management system" app, nor paying some designer or consultant to do it for me. I mean, why pay some nerd top dollar to design a lousy site for me, when I'm just as capable of throwing together a lousy site on my own for nothing?!

I mean, really!

Conceit and Sociopathy will continue unabated until the transition is complete (a year-and-a-half tops).

Conceited Jerk dot com will be open during construction as of February 1st of this year.




So, another holiday season has come and gone.

Thank God.

While this season wasn't as hectic as in years past, and while Christmas shopping this year was markedly uneventful, I am still glad it's over.

But, I did get to see family members I don't normally get to see, so I suppose that's a plus.

New Years' Eve was great... as some of you know, I acted as bartender at my friend's party. He'd hired a professional bartender originally, but the gentleman had to back out a week before New Years, owing to family problems.

With a few days to go, and the prospect of getting another bartender at such short notice being laughably bad... who ya gonna call?

He offered me a hundred bucks for my services. They'd supply the booze. He also told me that the attendees will be his wife's friends, co-workers, and acquaintances, most of whom are snobby and condescending.

He told me to "feel free to be as abusive as I want with people". I told him that if that were the case, he could keep his hundred bucks... I'd do it for free. Nothing like getting to sharpen my claws on people who think they're better than me.

Alas, they were all quite polite, charming, and very interesting to talk to. Most were surprised to find that I'm not a bartender by trade, and that I was doing this simply as a favour for a friend. I omitted the particulars of the arrangement, however...

Received overwhelming (and a tad embarrassing) praise for my top-secret Martini recipe, which I unveiled shortly after midnight's champagne was gone.

All in all, I had a great time, met a number of great people in the Condo Crowd, and made a couple of new friends. I had a better time tending bar than I would have had I been a guest, though. You gotta talk to the guy who has the booze, and he in turn has to respond.


Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I Love Winnipeg Cat, and McNally-Robinson in Trouble

I love the Winnipeg Cat blog.

Call it a guilty pleasure, sort of like sneaking a chocolate bar or bucket of fried chicken while on a strict diet. Many thanks to James of Slurpees and Murder fame for bringing this about!

I generated my first submission a few minutes ago, hope it makes the cut:



This subject has always been a pet peeve of mine...






Also, just got word that McNally-Robinson is fighting bankruptcy and are, in fact, closing their Polo Park store. Truth told, I knew they were headed for trouble when they moved their store from Portage Place to Polo Park (and opening a store in an upscale Toronto mall) while in the middle of a recession, so they've essentially brought it upon themselves.

**

Some people will tell you to "let the market decide". Well, I'm a part of that market, and I decide that I want McNally around. To this end, I'll be heading out to pick up a few books I've been putting off buying, and urge you all to do the same.

Join the Facebook group while you're at it.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

A Secular Happy Annual Gift Day to all o' ya!

We here at C&S would like to take this time (while we're still mostly sober) to wish both all our readers a very Merry Christmas!

We'll be raisin' a glass to you and yours... all the best to you this Holiday Season!

We'll return after New Years!

-Shaun

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Holiday Fireplace, Internet version

Want all the fun and excitement of the Holiday Fireplace but can't afford to sit in front of your TV all day?

Never fear, we here at the internet have you covered!

http://www.youtube.com/v/fsD1zoI7NYo


Thank you, YouTube!

(Sorry folks! I've received word that the embedded video was overlapping the right-hand columns of the blog in certain browsers. You're not missing anything important, but in the interest of fair play, I'll simply link to the video instead!)