Monday, March 31, 2008

On Chain-letter questionnaires.

Speaking of being honest and forthright...

One thing I am absofuckinglutely sick of are those bloody chain questionnaires that well-meaning friends and curious acquaintances seem to mail me.

It got to the point where I was getting at least one a day, and the old "You didn't answer my questions!" email when I deleted their stupid little quiz.

So, I've decided to be a complete bastard when answering. I received four identical quizzes from four well-meaning friends, so I answered them all the same distasteful, disgusting, insensitive way...

Here we go:

1. In one sentence, explain yesterday:
I woke up at 7am, had half a litre of Wild Turkey for breakfast, watched a Swedish-made porn film from 1975, had a two hour nap, made lunch, played video games until supper, then listened to my iTunes collection until bed.

2. What made you smile today?
The thought that most people will achieve nothing in their lives.

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.?
Strangling bunnies with concertina wire.

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Masturbating with coarse-grit sandpaper.

5. Something that happened to you in 1985?
During a particularily bad bout of pneumonia, I coughed up a bucketload of slightly bloody sputum during my 6th grade French class.

6. Last thing someone else said to you?
Do you have any spare change?

7. What was your answer?
I punched him in the throat.

8. Worst thing currently on television:
My nosy neighbour's head. That, and any form of CSI.

9. What was in your e mail today?
Spam, African Dictators offering me money, and porn.

10. How many different beverages have you drank today?
Bourbon, water, Coca-Cola, and Dot 3 brake fluid.

11. What is your favorite part of the day?
Waking up to a new day of mischief and mayhem.

12. Your current To-do list?
Buy bleach, sharpening stone, and black hooded robe.

13. Where is your best friend right now?
In several shallow graves.

14. What color is your toothbrush?
White with bloody bristles.

15. What are you wearing right now?
Blood soaked jeans, combat boots, brass knuckles, and bunny ears.

16. Any plans for Friday night?
Oh do I ever.

17. Least favorite place to shop.
Any place poor people or suburbanites shop.

18. Things you bought today?
A one-way ticket to Hell. First-class.

19. Last gift you received?
A bottle of Plymouth Gin and a night of unbridled passion.

20. Who gave you that?
A married ex-girlfriend.

21. What made you sad today?
I ran out of Bourbon.

22. What can make you happy?
Civic irresponsibility. Or Bourbon. Or both.

23. Beauty is:
only a surgical procedure away.

24. Describe your key chain:
Two pieces of wood connected by two feet of piano wire

25. Where do you keep your change?
In my pocket. I rattle it around
loudly, and claim I don't have any when asked.

26. Are you happy with your life?
Heh heh heh. Yes I am.

27. What are you thinking of now?
A certain female acquaintance I'd like to bang.

28. Person you trust the most?
Me.

29. What day is it today?
Today is Setting Orange, the 17th day of Discord in the YOLD 3174.
Fnord.

30. What are you going to do after this?
Continue to work on my plan for civic irresponsibility.

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Hopefully, this staunches the flow for a while. I answered honestly on a number of questions. I'll leave it to the reader to decide which ones.

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