Monday, September 1, 2008

On Broadening One's Dipsomaniacal Horizons

It's been bloody hot here the last couple of days.

The temperature hit 31°C on Saturday, and 29°C on Sunday - add in the humidity and it's almost unbearable... stifling, to say the least.

So, as you can well imagine, it makes a man thirsty.

With temperatures like these, it's important to keep one's body hydrated, so plenty of water is needed. Thing is, water, while good for you and all that, just ain't satisfying. Granted, sports drinks such as Gatorade or Powerade add a bit of flavour (and electrolytes) to the mix, but is that the first thing you reach for after an afternoon of yardwork in conditions that rival Hades?

Hell no, you reach for a beer, gin-and-tonic, or something of that nature!

In my case, Saturday evening was spent on my porch, listening to Luxuriamusic and sipping a few martinis. A long day of labour in the hot sun called for my own private recipe (one I will share with you some day), and it certainly did the trick. But after six or so, I grew bored of this recipe and decided to try something else (my Aquarian "hacker mentality" applies to mixology, too!).

Opening my liquor cabinet (an old buffet table I scored at Value Village for $15 a few years ago), I found my selection has dwindled over the last few weeks. Let's see, I have six varieties of Gin but only half a bottle of French Vermouth... a few bottles of various liquers, three varieties of Vodka, half a bottle each of Cointreau, Creme de Cacao, and Blue Curacao, and a quarter-bottle each of Campari, Wild Turkey, Tiramisu, and Chivas Regal. Throw in the mouthful of Jägermeister in the freezer and pickin's is slim.

Not good.

Where's the Navy Rum? The Italian Vermouth (red and white!)? The Rye? The Irish Whiskey?

Where are the staples, God damn it?!
After chiding myself unmercilessly for a few minutes, I made one last martini (plain ol' gin and vermouth) and left myself a note to hit the LC on Sunday.

While at the LC, after grabbing my aforementioned staples, I wandered over to the liquer section. I thought to myself, "CJ, remember how bored you were of our secret Martini recipe last night?"

"Yeah," I replied, "Why?"

"Don't you think, maybe, just maybe, you might want to experiment a bit?" I asked myself, "Try something different?"

"Not a bad idea," I told myself, "I almost regret killing you slowly with this stuff!"

"No prob," I replied, "We weren't ever going to be anything more than an obscure blogger anyway..."

"Agreed!"

So, after what seemed an eternity (but really only fifteen minutes), I was finally able to decide on a few different liquers. I walked away with a bottle each of Amaretto Di'Saronno, Galliano vanilla liquer, Jägermeister, and Starbucks Coffee liquer.

Not a bad haul, if I do say so myself!

Spent much of yesterday (Sunday) finishing my yardwork - that is, until the wasps got so bad, I had to run inside. Got stung a few times, so I ran inside to apply a little alcohol. Not to the wounds, mind you...

Not wanting to rush into anything with hitherto unknown liquers, I opted to start slowly. I made myself a reg'lar ol' Vodka martini (3oz Stolichnaya vodka, 3/4oz Noilly Prat vermouth, no garnish), but added a splash of the Di'Saronno. Not bad!

Went down a bit easy... but could still be better, so I changed it up a bit and went with 2-1/2oz Stolichnaya vodka, 3/4oz Noilly Prat vermouth, 1/2 oz Stoli Vanil vodka, a slightly bigger splash of Di'Saronno, and shaken like a motherfucker...

Wow. Gotta r'memb'r thish one.

Aft'r fou of dese, I tryed one more cuncockshun (heh heh hee, did'ja catch that?) Da final reshippee ov da ev'nin' wuz much like da first one - 3oz of Stole-dis-vodka, 3/4oz of Noyeeee Praaa vermoooooth, a splish-splash of Deeee Sar-oh no!, and a splash of - stop fuckin' laughin at me! - da Gal-e-anno vanillilla (or as my mekshikan frend sez - vaniiiiyyyaaaa!).

Da's all fer now. Sumbuddy put da room on 78-speeeeed an I'm movin' like I'm on 33-1/3...






4 comments:

nick said...

Long-time (ish) reader and this post is one of the best blog posts I've read in a long time. Or at least most entertaining. I haven't seen better justifications for alcohol consumption in a long time.

Conceited Jerk said...

Thanks for the kind words and support, Nick! It gets me right here (thumps chest)... oh wait, that's acid reflux, but thanks nonetheless...

Speaking philosophically, I've never believed in the concept of justification. Justification is for people who lack conviction ;)

Bottoms up!

Deank said...

awesome.... sooo.. now that I know where you live.....

Conceited Jerk said...

... you can be my designated driver? Hey, Thanks, Dean, you're a pal!

Post a Comment