Friday, January 29, 2010

What's Old is New Again!

Well, OK... it's still old. Eight years to be precise.

The first stage of The Resurrection is complete. My original Anti-Webpage is back online in a minimal capacity.

Click here for details.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Vintage CJ: Is there a Doctor in the House? (11/25/2005)

Found this one a while ago, reprinted here (again) for an old friend who just re-discovered me.

Is There a Doctor in the House?

Originally published on update #106, 11/25/2005, reprinted by special request

So, I've added another alias to my repertoire. In addition to Conceited Jerk, Kotatsuneko (which rarely gets used anymore), Dezorian (on certain mailing lists and newsgroups), Pope Antiquitus I (my Discordian name), and Royal Bastard, I am also known as Dr. Turnip Q. Moron on ********** Groups (the "Q" stands for Quinine, the ingredient that gives tonic water that awful taste!).

The good Doctor first came into being one cold February morning a couple of years ago. I was registering an operating system (Solaris 7) online, and I didn't feel like using my real name (although for some unfathomable reason, I used my actual address). So, I used "Turnip" for the first name, "Q" for the middle initial, "Moron" for surname, and "Dr." for salutation (I'd originally intended to put "Ms.", but the mouse slipped). So I hit "send" and my newly formed identity's personal information was sent to the manufacturer.

A couple of months later, I received a letter in the mail. It was an application for a credit card, addressed to Dr. Turnip Q. Moron"... It started out with "Dear Dr. Moron," and frequently called my alter ego by first name.

"Turnip, you won't find lower interest rates on any other card..."

The introductory letter was a right hoot to read! I was in tears for hours from laughing so hard! It was pretty obvious that the letter had been completely computer generated, and it's likely no human checked the thing... print, process, put into envelope, send. No humans required, the perfect model of industrial-commercial efficiency.

I blame the human element, however, for the doc not receiving any telemarketing calls. Someone has to check those lists! Although if he did receive a call or two, I imagine I'd handle them with my usual lack of decorum, and an impenetrable, indeterminately foreign false accent:

Doc: 'Allo?

Operator: Good evening, how are we doing this evening?

Doc: I am fine.

Operator: Good. My name is Janet, and I'm with Meiwaku Research Associates. Am I speaking to Turnip Q. Moron?

Doc: (angrily) Whaaa? Moron?!! Ees pronounze MORONE!!! How dare you!

Operator: (mortified) Uh... oh... my goodn- errr... I'm terribly sorr--

Doc: (yelling into earpiece) I don' wan' to hear eet! (slams phone down)

Oh, the fun I could have...

Incidentally, meiwaku means annoyance in Japanese, which, as I'm sure most people would agree, suits telemarketers to a tee. I swear, these people come from the same rung of Hell as salespeople, prop comedians, labour unions, communists, and drunks on the bus.

That's why I love Caller ID and voice mail ;)


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Il Ritorno del Bastardo

It's the Second Coming.

As some of my Facebook "friends" know, the return of my old website is nigh.

Tripod and I have "kissed and made up"... I've re-registered my old domain name and left hosting duties to them for the time being.

The reason for this is simple: I've had a number of works that have been in the "planning stage" for far too long (some for years), and it's time they were unleashed upon an unsuspecting public.

"So, why don't I post everything here?", you might ask.

Because I want complete control over the look, feel, content, and architecture of my site, that's why. I want everything concatenated and amalgamated on one site, not spread out over YouTube, Flickr, Blogger, iTunes, etc... "Your One-Stop Sociopathy Shop".

Of course, having a full-time job and active social calendar means the transition will take just over a year. I'm doing everything by hand (html, CSS, etc) and not using someone's bullshit "content management system" app, nor paying some designer or consultant to do it for me. I mean, why pay some nerd top dollar to design a lousy site for me, when I'm just as capable of throwing together a lousy site on my own for nothing?!

I mean, really!

Conceit and Sociopathy will continue unabated until the transition is complete (a year-and-a-half tops).

Conceited Jerk dot com will be open during construction as of February 1st of this year.

So, another holiday season has come and gone.

Thank God.

While this season wasn't as hectic as in years past, and while Christmas shopping this year was markedly uneventful, I am still glad it's over.

But, I did get to see family members I don't normally get to see, so I suppose that's a plus.

New Years' Eve was great... as some of you know, I acted as bartender at my friend's party. He'd hired a professional bartender originally, but the gentleman had to back out a week before New Years, owing to family problems.

With a few days to go, and the prospect of getting another bartender at such short notice being laughably bad... who ya gonna call?
He offered me a hundred bucks for my services. They'd supply the booze. He also told me that the attendees will be his wife's friends, co-workers, and acquaintances, most of whom are snobby and condescending.

He told me to "feel free to be as abusive as I want with people". I told him that if that were the case, he could keep his hundred bucks... I'd do it for free. Nothing like getting to sharpen my claws on people who think they're better than me.

Alas, they were all quite polite, charming, and very interesting to talk to. Most were surprised to find that I'm not a bartender by trade, and that I was doing this simply as a favour for a friend. I omitted the particulars of the arrangement, however...

Received overwhelming (and a tad embarrassing) praise for my top-secret Martini recipe, which I unveiled shortly after midnight's champagne was gone.

All in all, I had a great time, met a number of great people in the Condo Crowd, and made a couple of new friends. I had a better time tending bar than I would have had I been a guest, though. You gotta talk to the guy who has the booze, and he in turn has to respond.